Chuck Norris. The man, the myth, the legend. The chuck. The man who did your mum last night. The most tedious meme in history. And self proclaimed member of The Seal Club.
When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films), "tedious internet meme" (recalling his numerous Flash animations) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, "Walker, Texas Ranger.", which was entirely based on his life story.
But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts porn star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional Middle-Weight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Steve Irwin, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.
From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles, unfortunately, taking many lives in the process. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters, which included Batman, Superman, Big Boss, Tintin, Popeye, Shaq, Aaron Carter, Stalin, you name it, he beat them. He held that title until 1974 when he got pwned by Gandalf, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Rangers, Bill S. Preston, Ted Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Hello Kitty, Doctor Octopus with a Glock, and Hulk Hogan, not to mention Dick Cheney with a double barreled shotgun. However, he survived, and managed to hunt down and kill them all (except Dick Cheney, who gave him enormous Haliburton stock options). Now Chuck Norris mostly spends his time doing various things, on his ranch with his family, saving the universe from various foes, smoking crack, helping charities, endangering the world himself, and beating up anybody who pisses him off, which happens a lot. He is also kept busy running his own country Chuckland.
In his spare time, he loves to train. He has various training methods available to him. One of his lesser known methods is dinosaur wrestling. Chuck commissioned the world's greatest scientists for his personal dinosaur cloning lab. Every Wednesday, Chuck clones a dinosaur just to kill it. His methods of death for these dinosaurs are wide and wonderful. For a warm up, Chuck does speed bag training on the balls of the newly created dinosaur. Then it's a few hours of punishing training (for the poor dinosaur). After that he uses his razor sharp knifehand to slit the throat of the dinosaur. It's pretty standard fare for a Wednesday training session.
Not much is known about Chuck Norris' childhood before his legendary roundhouse kick came alive, either because anyone around during that time is dead or biographers asking Chuck Norris himself about his childhood have died for some reason. The truth is, Chuck Norris was a shy individual, who was often tormented for his Irish-Cherokee-Korean-Japanese-Jiu Jitsu-Jedi background.
Historians and scientists believe that Chuck Norris let his anger build up inside of him until the world's gravitational power could no longer support him, resulting in a massive hurricane that flooded the Earth.
Chuck norris invented the C-section by round house kicking his way out of his mom. He was born with a 6 foot penis named "6 feet of fun". He then sued highly acclaimed bubble-gum-in-a-plastic-container company, Bubble Tape , for 10 million dollars for stealing his penis' name.
Chuck Norris got a license to kill at age 2 and got his first ford 1500 truck when he was 4 , where he lead cops on a high speed chase up Mt. Everest. It was rumored that Chuck Norris trained with ninjas for 18 years and returned to Texas under the identity of Walker, Texas Ranger. Under this identity he fought over 20,000 men in 1,800 different barns and arrested more then 700 crime bosses.
Chuck Norris unfortunately does not have much time for a personal life. Making sensual love to thousands of women a day while battling various titans and causing other forms of chaos does not leave him any time to enjoy the finer things in life or simply have fun like a normal person. Chuck Norris enjoys spending extra free time eating small hawaiian snacks off naked girls, lounging in an acid spa and sipping anti-Q's from extra-large radiator compressor tanks.
Chuck Norris managed to fix this problem when he discovered that all he had to do was threaten father time that he would kill him and his family if he didn’t give Chuck more time. Now Chuck himself decides what time it is, and is free to go bowling with his friends, have sex with his own wife, do some work around the ranch, kill some grues, repopulate endangered species, hunt endangered species, and when he has time, and go visit his friend God and have their bi-monthly arm wrestling tournament, which God has yet to win. Jesus is next.
He is also undisputed leader of own his own country, Spain II: The Revenge. Primarily a POW camp, then turned into a country by Franco, a childhood enemy of Chuck Norris. Norris decided one day he wanted his own country to begin his World Domination, so he smashed the gates to the country and killed all the Nazis inside with his bare hands, doing this whilst he was talking on his mobile phone to order a pizza to be delivered for his victory. He threw everyone out who had a bicep diameter of less than 30cm (12 in) and started his own race of superhumans.
Chuck Norris has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.
- Roundhouse Kick: The most deadly attack in his arsenal and his personal favorite, but not favourite because Chuck Norris doesn't tolerate so-called "British spelling". The attack has many strange properties, as the effect of the attack seems to be what ever he wants it to be, whether it gives lives or takes lives is all up to him.
- Kung Fu Grip: While his trademark Roundhouse Kick is a physical and philosophical mystery to any who have taken one in the face, his Kung Fu Grip is a simpler technique whose power is capable of destroying entire worlds. However, he only uses it to crush his foes into burger meat, which is his preferred kind.
- Tender Lips: Chuck Norris has the most tender lips which could make all women within a ten mile radius orgasm ten times over. However, Chuck Norris is incapable of love, so the gesture is one-sided. And if Chuck Norris sees a woman react to his lips, he'll roundhouse kick her orgasm back in to avoid any misunderstanding. It is known that every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has had their teeth broken from the sheer impact of his beard.
- Staring: When Chuck Norris does not want to do a Roundhouse Kick, a solid stare is his second choice. Again its effects seem to be his choice; some times it cures maladies from crossed eyes to severed limbs, other times it can cause heads to asplode.
- Frowning: Chuck Norris' frown is second to none, and is second only to that of Mr. T. Back in the Middle Ages, the Earth was orbited by a second moon until 1984, when Chuck Norris frowned extra hard at it and destroyed it outright. This event has been verified by an independent team of astrologers.
- Grinning: Chuck Norris was once attacked by a crocodile at Disney Land, Paris, on two separate occasions. Because he had been eating ice cream, he was defenceless but was able to grin the croc into submission. Chuck Norris usually restricts his grin to only the most deadly opponents as 9 times out of 10, it stuns his victim all the way to death. When Chuck Norris grins, a dying person’s life is saved. Ironically though, Chuck Norris only really ever grins when he kills someone.
- Beard: His beard has hypnotic and almost magical properties. But since Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic it doesn’t. Instead it is made out of steel wool able to protect him from a nuclear blast. His beard has been known to be all he has used in some fights, which is admirable.
- Cowboy Hat: he is seen with his Cowboy Hat at nearly all times, even when he is completely naked all but it. It is possible for him to take off his hat, he often does, but he decides to wear it for the same reason Indiana Jones does. It just looks totally badass.
- Saliva: Chuck's spittle is twelve thousand times the potency of the acid in the blood of Aliens. He once spit on Dick Van Dyke and the spit bubble melted through him, went through the planet earth and came out the other side where it caused the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.
- Crying: Chuck has the amazing ability to cure ailments by applying tears to the person. He can cure cancer, nay he can cure any illness known to man with his tears. Too bad he never cries. Ever.
Law and Order
Code names for his legs, Law=left and Order=right(Lawsuit with the popular television show who stole the name is pending). These are considered class S++ weapons, and no other gun or weapon known to man can possibly out gun or out destroy these two weapons. One of Law's toes is suspected to have caused hiroshima, and Order was the probable cause for Nixon's resignation.
Good ol' Chuck has made a few in his lifetime of over 6 billion years. The Grand Canyon: where he fought with the aliens who came to conquer primitive man.The Bermuda Triangle: where he hides his immortal heart from the world, it is protected by the leftover radiation of many roundhouse kicks. Austrailia: because Asia was just too big for his liking. Norris is also responsible for other worldly landmarks such as Saturn's Rings. Chuck ripped them from the planet's surface in a fit of rage and has left them as a reminder of his power. Also Pluto's demotion from a planet to a sub-planet is rumored to have been caused by Norris punishing it for skipping Neptune in line one too many times. Chuck Norris doesnt stand for anarchy.
Every baby ever born has 0.01% chuck in him. So we all are in his family, and escape is only possible by death. But only Chuck has the power of the roundhouse kick; if you attempt it, Chuck will materialize in front of you, atomize you with a blink, then erase your entire history. You will die, and no one will care.
Chuck is the leader of Chuckacolism (pronounced Chuk-A-cole-isem) his own founded faith, pronouncing Pieboy as God, Chuck himself as Jesus, and Adolf Hitler as the Holy Ghost. Chuck Norris claims that everything began with Pieboy. Pieboy demanded someone to bake him pie and thus created Chuck Norris. But Norris roundhouse kicked Pieboy in the face. The result was Marilyn Manson. Hitler only came into the picture when Chuck Norris cut a wart off his big toe using a chainsaw. There was a revolution in Pie Hill (the mountain in Hell where the Most Unholy of Trinities govern the world), and Marilyn Manson was sent into the world to create humans to bake Pieboy some muthafuckin pie because my 114-year-old grandmother can bake a better pie than Hitler--with both hands tied behind her back and cyanide as the main ingredient. The Apocalypse is allegedly coming when Hitler spreads the gospel of 'Tis the Season Motherfucker' in Chuck Norris' old paper route. As there were no survivors there, we can rest assured that everything will be alright as long as Pieboy gets his pie. It is unconfirmed that the supreme fiend Satan defeated Chuck Norris in poker in 1974, resulting in the paradox of 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?' and causing global warming. It is even more improbable because Chuck Norris and Satan have a pact against Hitler which began on the playground in third grade.
Supposedly, after words were exchanged, Satan and Chuck cracked their knuckles and Hitler began to fight with them. The result was the extinction of the dinosaurs. Hitler fled the fight and was not seen until Marilyn Manson signed a pact with him to fight the two heroes. Marilyn Manson reappeared in 1800 as John Brown. It is said that John Brown is the only man who could ever defeat Chuck Norris. However, Chuck Norris has never been beaten because when Manson-Brown beat him on September 11th, 1864, the beaten Chuck was blasted across a time-zone border and therefore it hadn't happened yet. This complete defiance of logic led into the dispute which is known today as the Civil War.
Chuck Norris and Pain
After hand feeding Jimmy Carter to a Crocodile and having his way with Raquel Welch, Jane Fonda, Eleanor Roosevelt, Hilary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher and in fact every other woman he came across, Chuck fell about to "hard drinking" (this was after it was made compulsory by law for all Hollywood actors) as described by Oscar Wilde, who was none other than Norris' drinking mate. The Tequila orgy lasted until Chuck's hard, purple, amazing, throbbing, expanding, stick-straight, amazing, thumb regained circulation after being caught in the cookie jar, which was well over a century and only after a surprise humiliation by Natalie Portman who gave him a heck of a beating leading him to shape up and train for 2 centuries after which he was invincible and inspired Richard Wagner to write a number of operas. Chuck used anger at his pain to bring the world the unique experience of a whole heap of pain.
Chuck Norris vs The Crab People
In 1525, in Kyoto, Japan, Chuck Norris went head to head against the Crab People. The battle began at 12:51PM and ended at 12:52PM, just seconds later. The fight between Chuck and the 1.2million Crab People was over a discarded piece of chicken. Chuck claimed it to be his, whilst the Crab People said they owned it.
The battle which actually happened in Japanese history consisted of the Crab People summoning a Giant Enemy Crab to quickly defeat Chuck. However, by flipping the NME crab over and switching his leg from "walk" to "kill" speed with real-time weapon change, he exposed and attacked the weakpoint for MASSIVE DAMAGE!
Chuck disposed of the Crab People in mere seconds, with just a headbutt, a super sonic burp, and one fatal roundhouse kick.
Decades later, the few remaining Crab People were used as a replacement for a patty in one of Chuck Norris' trademark "Human Skull Burgers."
Chuck Norris Haters
In the world of today there are many Chuck Norris haters who would rather suck George Bush's saggy shriveled breast than hear or read about him. These people are indigenous to America, Sweden, Africa, Michael Jackson's secret dungeon of "fun for children", Sweden, Australia, Germany, Sweden and Britney Spears' cleavage. Oh, and Sweden. Their reasons are very clear: They are sick of all Chuck Norris jokes and Texas Walker Wanker Ranger. In Conclusion their aim in life is to see Chuck Norris get owned and fucking pwned by the one and only Pikachu.
These people are in denial. They claim that people who enjoy Chuck's movies and jokes that live in the aforementioned places don't exist, and that if this applies to You then to please go and kill yourself in order to maintain universal stability.
They cannot accept the fact that Chuck Norris is one of the three overlords of the universe, (The Three consisting of Solid Snake, Mr. T and Chuck Norris) and that it is very likely that they will die by his hands one day, a one in three chance in fact. Counselling is advised for these people, who try to escape from reality, hoping that if they ignore the fact he exists that he will disappear. Chuck Norris is not Tinkerbell: ignoring him will only make him angrier. The only advice that can be given for these people is to try and get on with their lives, to try to live to the fullest, and to just accept the fact that their end will come in a swift and sexy roundhouse kick when they least expect it.
Chuck Norris and the Apocalypse
Recently discovered religious texts have discovered that Chuck Norris is destined to enter into an apocalyptic final battle with Kurt Cobain to determine who will be the ultimate power in the universe, as well as the rightful heir to inherit the position of God because, let's just face it, that guy's gotten lazy.
According to these texts, Chuck Norris and Kurt Cobain have been eternal rivals, their battles transcending time and space, causing such travesties as the Holocaust, the fall of the Roman Empire, The Extinction of Dinosaurs, The Deaths of Biggie and Tupac, MTV, and Paris Hilton. In recent times, Chuck Norris has claimed a victory over Cobain, causing him to flee into the afterlife and gather an army of demons clad in torn jeans.
It is unclear when this battle will take place, whether it be in a few days or millions of years from now. It is known, however, that when the time does come, the sky will turn red and split open, releasing a rain of fire and brimstone. The seas will melt away, and the ground will become devoid of plant and animal life. After 8 days and 12 minutes, the two will meet on a sacred battlefield, currently New Jersey, and their battle will last for months. Any man or woman that comes to close to this battle will instantly melt. Though it is not known who will eventually win this fight, it is known that the world will crumble into nothingness, and Saint Peter will be very pissed off at all the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, claiming that he "...only had five damn minutes until his break."